I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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