I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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