i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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