Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
