i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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