This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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