I just pynch a tree in the face
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
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i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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