I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
