I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
and she was petting her beer can
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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