i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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