how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
