Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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