i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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