i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
