I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
