A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
