I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
