Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Randomize
