I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize