True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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