Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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