Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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