yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
