I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
