Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
When are your genitals available?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
