we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
