Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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