I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
