4 words: hood of his car
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
