my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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