I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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