So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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