There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize