she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
