I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Im part way to drunk.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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