I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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