You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
