Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
