what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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