Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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