If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
