I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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