I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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