I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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