i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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