you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I need to align my fucking chakras
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
