i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
