Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
