if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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