Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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