So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
