she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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