So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
