Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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