i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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