Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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