Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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