I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
