i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
