Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
