Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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