I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
